


The best job in the galaxy (by default)

by androidgreen



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Dark Crack, Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 16:32:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13275450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/androidgreen/pseuds/androidgreen
Summary: "The general consensus is that Kylo Ren probably doesn’t know about the betting pool on him, but General Hux definitely does. It's up for debate if Hux personally selects the bookie."





	The best job in the galaxy (by default)

People are generally very conflicted about having their workstation destroyed by Kylo Ren in a fit of rage. On one hand, you may get half a day off, but there is the off chance that you could end up, you know, dead.

They used to assign Kylo Ren personal assistants, and none of them lasted more than three weeks. No, he didn't kill anyone (surprisingly), but four had stress-induced heart attacks, one broke a leg after tripping over some steps, one was demoted to laundry service after he accidently bleached one of Kylo’s black shirts, and strangely enough, one managed to leave with Kylo Ren’s blessing to become a poet/lyricist/musician, having been inspired by Kylo's expression of his inner demons. 

There used to be a betting pool, a very sophisticated betting pool, about when the next time Kylo Ren would destroy something. For example, you get 5:1 odds for “lightsaber damage to any control panel within six days”, and 103:1 for “blunt force (Force power excluded) damage to Elevators 1,4,7,8, and 9 between 4AM and 3PM within the next fifteen days that would result minimally in a two-hour shut-down.” But the whole thing died down after a few months because the guys who run the books keep getting killed, for honest work-related reasons. 

The general consensus is that Kylo Ren probably doesn’t know about the betting pool on him, but General Hux definitely does. It's up for debate if Hux personally selects the bookie. And as tempting as it is to bet on when the next time General Hux is going to roll his eyes or glare in disbelief in reaction to Kylo Ren, no one is brave enough to run it. Hux knows everything that goes on in the First Order. Everything.

Rumors are that Hux went to university in the Republic before he worked for the First Order. Some say he studied engineering and joined to ensure the latest weapons were up to speed. Others say he studied politics and was recruited for his potential contribution in establishing a solid regime for the First Order. There was once a guy who said a cousin had a friend who dated someone who went to university with General Hux, who actually studied Resource Management with a minor in accounting. That guy was never heard from again after Hux asked him to fetch a cup of coffee. 

Let's be honest: the best jobs in the First Order are the ones in which you are most unlikely to ever meet General Hux or Kylo Ren. 

Maintenance and Repairs? Fair chances. Stay in your office, and when you are called to repair the latest Ren-rage induced damage, take the path least suitable for brooding (hint: the ones with no wall-to-wall windows for staring wistfully into space while catching a faded reflection of your own face, which is kind of perfect for contemplating the nature of one’s inner struggles in the context of the vastness and complexity of the universe). 

Patrol Duty? Well, good luck. Pray that you don’t have to work the corridors that tend to host Kylo Ren (you know, the ones with the nice wall-to-wall windows: the views are NOT worth it), or the corridors around major controls to shield generators or tracking devices, because the rebels always, always find those and blow them up. 

But accounting? Best. Job. Ever. You work off-site from an unassuming basement on an entirely different planet from any major First Order locations, so there's minimal chance of getting blown up. You know everything about who got a raise and who made the biggest arms deals from the cash flow. Even if you are a bit out of the way for good food, you probably won't ever run into Kylo Ren at work. 

But to be clear, just because General Hux less likely than Kylo Ren to kill you randomly, he is not anyone’s buddy. Which is weird because he always eats in the common dinning hall with everyone, like he is daring you to say he is a scary, cold, inapproachable leader figure. But he only eats at a table with exactly one of his lieutenants and a bird may have spread the word that they draw lots on who takes the next meal with him. It’s super awkward. Hux doesn’t do small talk or anything. No “how’s the wife doing” or “aw that’s a cute stick figure picture from your kid.” He just eats and leaves, and kind of scarily polite about it. 

Once a new guy who clearly dozed off during orientation just sat at Hux’s table and managed to babble twenty minutes about his cousin’s baby and pet droids while he ate his sandwich. He later got reassigned to mopping floors around Elevator three, which is kind of sending a mixed messaged because Kylo Ren takes that elevator twice a week for his morning debriefings with Supreme Leader Snooke, so that area needs a lot of clean up. But it’s nowhere near a window so you can safely dodge him completely once you figure out his schedule. 

That’s not as bad as that one time some newbie missed the part about who Kylo Ren was during debriefing, because that was a painful twenty-five minutes when everyone in the dinning hall held their breath after the guy just dropped into the empty seat next to Kylo Ren with a “Wooh buddy, must be your first day too, huh? Out of uniform and everything. I got into mine because I hear this place is pretty tight with protocol. But the food? This biscuit is awful. Let me tell you, I got a cousin who sells baked goods for a living and those are proper biscuits!” 

Kylo Ren, for his part, didn’t move a single facial muscle during the entire conversation. Then the new guy’s shift started and he just left. The biscuits in the canteen changed after three weeks and if Kylo Ren did hire on that guy’s cousin as a new baker for the First Order, it’s still kind of a mixed message whether or not he wants you and your entire family to die a painful death. The mortality rate for working on the front lines near him is not great. 

But the weirdest part is always watching Kylo Ren and Hux work together. Because even if no one is allowed to say it, everyone knows they are actually going to kill each other one day, and it’s a matter of luck how many poor souls working that shift would be taken with them when that happens. 

So it’s not really a dream job, but, well, it’s about the only place in left in the Galaxy that is still hiring.


End file.
